I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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