Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
