So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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