my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
