You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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