she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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