Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
