I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can't turn off my feet"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
