put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
