bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
