Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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