He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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