Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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