Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
