capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
