What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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