there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
