So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
