he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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