just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
