remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
