I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
