I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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