She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
