the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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