Fine. I'll sleep in my office
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
