ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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