The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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