I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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