I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my being single is dangerous.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
