I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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