I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
