How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
