I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
