Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
barbara walters just said penis...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
