i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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