My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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