Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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