lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
