I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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