I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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