The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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