Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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