these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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