I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
