Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
