i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
