omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
