i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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