I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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