Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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