imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I believe in your delicious
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
