Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
