Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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