drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
