im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
