I wish I only lived at night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
