I puked a lego.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
