Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
