your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
