thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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